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May 04 2016

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May 03 2016

lord-kitschener:

As a public service to anyone offended by the Harriet Tubman $20 bills, I am willing to accept your unwanted $20 bills, and I will ensure that they are properly disposed of. This offer is open indefinitely, and any amount of $20 bills will be accepted. Thank you.

May 01 2016

thisisspinaltapprivilege:

grapefruitmimosa:

i can’t believe i used to think people my age were adults

the older you are reading this post the funnier it is

musiccitylove:

When you realize it’s April 30th.  

April 29 2016

svlvzvr:

slyth-princess:

dramione-loving-ravenclaw:

impishtubist:

lullabyknell:

Wait, so, after being chosen as the fourth TriWizard Champion, Harry was immediately asked if he had an older student put his name in for him. So, like, was it actually that easy? Because if it was, you can’t tell me that some broke-ass Slytherin seventh-year didn’t immediately realize this and start raking in the cash. Like damn, they don’t want to be a part of this Insane Danger Stunt Show themselves, but they’ll put basically any scrap of paper you want into that stupid cup for a sickle.

You’re a first-year who can’t cast Wingardium Leviosa yet? Whatever, sure, just pay up. There’s no way you’re going to be chosen against Angelina “Can Probably Crush You With Her Thighs” Johnson, but at least you can tell all your eleven-year-old buddies that you Did A Cool Thing.

You wanna forcibly enter your friend without their consent? Hell no, get that shit out of here. I’m a Slytherin, not a complete bastard. If I’ve hear about you trying this shit again, I’mma curse your butt into the Lake and report you to Flitwick. You might think that’s funny because he’s short, but you will learn, young padawan. You will fear the Flitwick.

You’re a third-year who thinks that becoming the Hogwarts Champion will impress your crush? Okay, into the fiery cup. But also lmfao, have you even seen Cedric “Hottie McDreamy the Hufflepuff” Diggory? Like, hot damn. 

You wanna enter your owl? Your cat? Your toad? Go for it, man, that’d be effing hilarious. I would actually pay to see that Tournament.

You’re a fifth-year who genuinely wants to enter the Tournament? Well, okay, but man, I am roomies with Cassius “Wake Up Before Noon At Your Own Risk” Warrington and he’d be grinding you into the floor under the heel of his handmade, Italian, dragon-hide shoes before you even knew what hit you.

You wanna enter… McGonagall? No, no, nonononono. That’s how people effing die, man. Like, she would destroy the competition and it would be glorious to behold and I would cry tears of awe at the sheer beauty of her wrath… but also, I am too young and beautiful to die. She would find us and we would die. Best scenario is she keeps us as pet mice forever.

So after the Weasley twins get their Age Potion issues fixed, a tiny Slytherin first-year girl sidles up to them in the halls and whispers, “You wanna enter the Tournament? Phil can hook you up. But you didn’t hear it from me!” And so the Weasley twins go find Phil, and Phil tells them straight up, “One slip for a sickle, three for two, five for three, and ten for four.”

Fred’s like, “Does entering your name more than once actually do anything?”

Phil, “Don’t know, don’t care.” (It doesn’t, Phil’s checked. He’d charge more if it did.)

And how does Phil get away with entering all these names? He tells all the supervising professors that he’s entering his own name - again and again and again - for a better chance at being selected. Professor Sprout informs him gently that this won’t make a difference and Phil tells her with the wide-eyed innocence of someone running a major scam operation that “Might as well try, Professor! Maybe diligence with pay off in the long run!”

Sprout’s heart melts, and everyone in the know facepalms. Everyone not in the know looks at him with “cheating Slytherin!” expressions and Phil dgaf because he’s got a giant pile of money now, suckers. [Snape noticed something was up, but didn’t care enough to stop it. Moody also noticed, but didn’t do anything. (Barty approves.)]

Entering more names doesn’t help because it’s not a lottery, the Goblet actually chooses, so a person can only really be entered once. It’s probably actually a good thing that Cedric “Tried to have a won Quidditch match made invalid out of fairness” Diggory and Harry “I am confused and I don’t want to be here” Potter were chosen. Because if fourth-year Ravenclaw Travis Collins had been chosen, the Goblet would have spat out all one-hundred and eighty-three scraps of paper with his name on it.

“Kids these days have too much pocket-money,” Phil comments as he comforts his boyfriend, Cassius Warrington, for being passed over in favor of Cedric “Made of Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice” Diggory, and counts the massive pile of money he’s collected. “Kinda wish the fiery cup had picked that kid’s Kneazle, though. That would’ve been awesome.”

[-Inspired by this post by @accio-shitpost-]

I wanna read more about Phil and his boyfriend Cassius Warrington.

OK, but I read the part about entering your pets and all I can think about is the name ‘Trevor Longbottom’ coming out of the cup and the teachers are all confused because “did we somehow miss or forget that Neville has an older brother? Did Frank and Alice have a secret hidden love child during their Hogwarts years?” Meanwhile, half the Gryffindors are groaning and face palming because who doesn’t know about Trevor ‘constantly lost but probably actually trying to escape this insane asylum of a school’ Longbottom? and poor little nervous Neville, who certainly had nothing to do with Trevor’s name being entered, slowly makes his way too the front of the room and Dumbledore just looks at him curiously and Neville gulps and extends his hands, which Trevor is sitting in and as realisation dawns on the various professor’s faces, everyone collectively looses their shit.

I’m laughing so hard. Also also just imagine Errol’s name coming out. Oh man. Just… Oh man…

This is my favorite hc ever and I need a fic on this desperately

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conquerorwurm:

One of my favorite things to see is random people trying to interact with unfamiliar outdoor cats. Just standing there with a hand out, making kissy noises, maybe meowing at the cat while it ignores them. Mankind at its best and least dignified

hogwartsaheadcanon:

beautyandthepriest:

concept: instead of hedwig, Harry goes into the pet store and this little snake in the back of the store talks to him, obviously gets his attention more than the other animals, and harry feels sorry for it so he takes it home. Then the snake helps Harry throughout his years at hogwarts as harry carries it wrapped around his hand all like “pssssst, haaarryyy, the dark lord isss coming sss” or just petty shit like “haaaarrryy, now is the time, assskkk out cho chaaannngg”

The snake getting really agitated in second year and Harry like ‘Aw, what’s wrong little friend?’

And snake’s like ‘Nah don’t worry it’s cool, it’s just that big fuck-off snake in the pipes that keeps making you think you’re hearing things—it’s like, ten thousand foot long, and I’m a corn snake, so you know. Bit intimidating.’

April 28 2016

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gifsboom:

Clouded Leopard Cub. [video]

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sushinfood:

theweirdwideweb:

New Bork Memes

this is just doge meme 2.0

April 27 2016

iambutanamateur:

vaspider:

spyderqueen:

fire-is-her-water:

I keep seeing this fucking argument about trans people using bathrooms like “Well if that had been an option for me back in the day I totally would’ve signed up as a ‘trans-whatever’ to get into the girls’ locker room back in high school”  (Yeah, the fuckwit on FB I saw earlier actually said ‘trans-whatever’).

Like, you really, genuinely think that you, as a 16 year old presumably straight teenage boy would have changed your name, requested everyone you know call you by different pronouns, changed your entire wardrobe and look, went to school presenting yourself as a girl, dealt with the bullshit you would likely have gotten from your parents, family, friends, classmates, teachers, doctors, neighbors, people on the street, and rearranged your entire life…

Because you maybe, might have possibly caught a glimpse of a titty in the locker room?

Yeah, it’s clearly the trans people we should be worried about.

I always find it interesting that they seem to think that declaring “Given the opportunity I absolutely would have been a sexual predator” is a defense of their position.

I always find it interesting that they seem to think that declaring “Given the opportunity I absolutely would have been a sexual predator” is a defense of their position.

I am just going to save this, modify pronouns as needed, and use it as a response to this. Forever.

You know, Mike Huckabee went on record saying this exact thing about himself. Just throwin’ that out there…

April 26 2016

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ryvetted4:

NBC has no chill Their banner is “Everybody wants…Tyler” xD

jhameia:

swingsetindecember:

where a grad student becomes a supervillain for extra credit since their doctoral committee is lowkey three of the city’s supervillains. and they meet the hero who is cute and charming and idealistic. and damn, extra credit is so not worth this. but damn, grad school is expensive and the job market is competitive 

“there’s good in you”

“i really think all that’s in me at this point is ramen, red bull and spite”

I WOULD BUY THIS NOVEL

April 24 2016

justbadpuns:

What’s Trump telling all of Obama’s supporters? Orange is the new black

snapslikethis:

alrightevans:

social media aus make everything better lmao literally imagine the harry potter books + social media. second year someone snapchats a picture of literal death threats written on the walls in blood captioned ‘’hogwarts its the safest place in the world’ lmao bitch where??’ fourth year #potterstinks is trending locally on twitter. sixth year story gets out about harry’s conversation with snape and everybody in the gryffindor group chat changes their name to ‘roonil wazlib’ for a week. draco bitching about harry on yik yak as if the entire school doesn’t know for a fact its him. 

#in harry’s first year someone develops a snapchat filter for a lightning bolt scar and green eyes#‘there’s no need to call my sir professor’ becomes everyone’s facebook status in sixth year#also! the daily prophet as like a buzzfeed site#in fifth year there are titles like 10 Worst Lies Harry Potter Ever Told#mainly tho i want to see draco’s fake dementor fail in third year becoming a meme (kneelb4kesha)

lord-kitschener:

As a public service to anyone offended by the Harriet Tubman $20 bills, I am willing to accept your unwanted $20 bills, and I will ensure that they are properly disposed of. This offer is open indefinitely, and any amount of $20 bills will be accepted. Thank you.

April 23 2016

justbadpuns:

A crossover between King Midas and King Oedipus would be pure motherfucking gold

oldcoyote:

i had a moment today while watching a whiny shitlord complain about the injustice of new sci-fi media having more female leads, i suddenly felt the strangest sense of déjà vu. i couldn’t pintpoint it at first but then out of nowhere, it fucking dawned on me

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